Last Updated on November 8, 2019 by Marilyn Walker
Fear of separation shapes both emotional and romantic relationships. Abandonment/ Instability schema is the most important psychological dynamic in this context.
What is it ? Abondonment scheme is the believe that someone you feel connected will eventually desert you. It also causes anxiety and that’s the main issue here.
If you have abondonment scheme you always feel like you’ll lose people around you.
You have the strong feeling that your relatives, loved ones will catch disease and die or they will act unnatural and dissapear forever. Because of this fear, you would always be alert for any signs that suspects you.
To prevent your loved ones from deserting you, you may develop jealosy, overly posessive behavior, controlling behavior.
Your relationship with your partner is now at the center of your life. You can’t stand to be separated from your spouse for a few days. People may call you obsessed lover.
You may never believe even if your partner says he/she’s not going to desert you,that they will be loyal to you. But you cannot explain why you can’t believe them.
Sometimes you can take actions that test your partner’s loyalty to you. However, these behaviors are behaviors that negatively affect a relationship.
You may feel intense anger and aggressive attitudes towards your partner. Because you believe that he/she will eventually leave you for one reason or another. That’s why you want to punish them.
What causes Abondonment Schema ?
The origin of your abandonment scheme may be unstable, alcoholic and sudden-reacting parents, or situations that interfere with your secure attachment experience, such as early parent loss.
When you were young, your parents, or those who raised you, may have died or left home. Your parents may have been separated or hospitalized for too long.
You may have been raised by carers or an institution, seeing different mother figures, or sent to boarding school at a young age.
Maybe your mother was inconsistent. She was too depressed, angry or drunk to take care of you.
Your parents divorced when you were young; or they were fighting so much that you were afraid they would leave.
You have significantly lost interest in a parent. For example, a brother was born or your parent remarried.
Your family was very protective of you. As a child, you never had the opportunity to face the challenges of life.
How Does the Abandonment Scheme Affect Relationships?
The concept of Schema Chemistry refers to the appeal of people in your relationships that fit your schema.
Even though you are scared of abondonment you may feel intimacy with non commitment people. That is, people who are likely to leave you or make you feel abandoned are more attractive to you. If you have an abandonment scheme, your partner may:
- Not promise you in the long term because he/she is married or has an affair.
- Not spend time with you (traveling a lot, living far away, or workaholic).
- May be emotionally unstable (drinking alcohol / pills, depressed, unable to have a regular job), and emotionally consistent.
- May be a Peter Pan; someone who doesn’t want a settled life, who wants the freedom to be his girlfriend.
- Not ot sure how he feels about you. He says he wants you, but he’s back emotionally. For a moment, when you have intense love with you, you can pretend that you are not in another situation.
How to treat abondonment schema ?
One of the main purpose is to gain a more realistic point of view. After a successful therapy session,you can get rid of this fear. Even if you don’t, you’ll learn how to cope with it.
Close relationships becomes more enjoyable. You may take risk and take responsibilities in a relationship.
Because you understand the logic of Schema Chemistry, you make more healthy decisions and choose your partner accordingly.
You don’t need to manipulate people since you have trust for your partner.
Also may realize that not involving in a relationship is ok. You don’t feel pressed about having a relationship. And you don’t feel depressed alone.
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